Plot Twist!!

Have you ever wondered if you were a seed, or a plant?  
Did you know that forest fires give way to new growth?

Two seemingly unrelated things that I’ve done a lot of thinking about this summer.
Like, a lot. But more on seeds in a sec.

In June my divorce became final after 3.5 years of separation. And in July my ex told me he was in a serious relationship with someone and had been for a while.

The heart aching meltdown I had to this news (even though he technically did nothing wrong) was a big ugly reminder that I’m not progressing along as far as I thought I had. “Fake it till you make it” implies that you will eventually make it. All I’ve been doing is faking it (insert joke about being good at faking it for most of my marriage...winky face zing….)

The saying only works if you are also doing the work to get to the “make it” stage. Turns out, I hadn’t been doing the work. I had waffled from denial to anger to sadness to self-loathing to acceptance with no real road map and next to no self awareness.

I became increasingly aware this summer that something inside me, with the divorce being final and the news of the new girl, had died.

A few days post pity party I woke up thinking about seeds, and a verse I could barely remember, for the umpteenth morning this year. I got online and looked up “seeds and death” and what I found validated that yes, something inside me had died. BUT, it wasn’t a bad thing! In so many scenarios, something has to die in order for something new to live!!

"The heat from the burning trees pops open the cones on those trees, releasing seeds that have been waiting to get loose for years. In fact, fire is a natural part of the forest’s regeneration system. Most forest trees need to be exposed to fire every 50 to 100 years to invigorate new growth."

You guys! Seeds that have been waiting to get loose for YEARS!!
Fire (death, divorce, unwanted life changes) is the painful and much needed event that often needs to occur to allow new seeds to be set free (NEW LIFE!).

It finally became clear to me that maybe this is my PLANT coming from a dead SEED phase of my life! Damn, it feels good to put words to something that had been tumbling around in my head for ages.

Maybe the first 17 years with him, including these past almost 4 years separated, were my seed phase. All along I had I thought I was already a plant! This thinking led to me always wondering why I hadn’t felt comfortable with myself and my “purpose” in life. But, I think I must have always known I wasn’t a plant yet. I was still a trapped seed. Even after Adam left I was a seed still in it's cone. A seed of hope, a seed of longing. A seed of “what if”.

But it wasn’t until something officially died that I realized it.

All these years I had mourned what could have been even though I didn’t want that horrific relationship back the way it was. I had grieved for broken promises, the family that wasn’t a family anymore, the friendship that died. But the divorce not being final and him not moving on kept the seed hidden away unable to be let loose. Whether I realized it or not, it kept hope of he and I, alive.

As much as my heart and pride aches that through all his shitty choices he now gets what he wants, part time dad, full time new relationship (instead of what I think he deserves…).

Then I read this:

"But what of the seed?  Can you dig up the plant, and find it’s seed down at the bottom, with plantybits growing from it’s insides?  No!  It’s essentially died to itself!  It ceases to be a seed in order that the plant would live, it can no longer find it’s identity in that of it’s old self, a seed. And in this way, it has died, it has ceased to exist as it’s original self."

If I wanted to be a plant, the seed would have to completely die. To disappear. Nothing of it can be left behind! It's identity can no longer be found in it's old self! 

I can put words to what happened now, him moving on with a new relationship is what opened the cone, let the seed loose to be planted and ultimately, killed the seed. But I have to let it die. I have to want the seed to be planted, nurtured and die to itself so that a plant can grow in its place!

It is the most painful thing I hope I ever go through but so very necessary. Something has to die in order for something new to live. Now the choice is mine. Do I acknowledge the death and do the hard work needed to nurture the seed into an alive and blooming plant? Wait, change that to flower, I’m definitely a flower not a plant...Ok, do I do that painful work to get to the “making it”? To the blooming flower stage of my life? Or do I try to hold on to the seed that died? Do I hold onto the hate and blinding rage and desire to have std’s strike him and anyone he loves? (the answer is no, you guys)

Both are hard work….and both have completely different results. Do I choose to turn my heart as black as my favorite color of clothing (it’s slimming!) or do I risk it all, let the panic attacks and actual physical heart ache subside (might be a heart attack, guys) and bloom?

Shoot. I mean, how can I not choose blooming right??

If you’ve read this far I beg you to send up a quick prayer that I stay the course and learn to trust that I’m capable and worthy of becoming a kick-ass flower. And you let me know how I can pray for you in your blooming process, what kind of amazing plant or flower are you becoming??