Well, This Can't End Well...

Chapter 1:
Hi! I’m Sarah. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Everything we talk about will be honest and true and I will tell you everything if you ask and…hey! Where are you going?!? Come back! I can ruin it in new and even more awkward ways!

So, Chapter 1 is actually more like Chapter 3 or maybe 4, in this adventure that is my attempt at dating. I should start with the real chapter 1 which would be why I decided to jump into dating after 8 years of being single. And chapter 2 should be the first guy I met, but that chapter isn’t closed so I don’t want to write that just yet…

So here we are at Chapter whatever because that’s what I’m thinking about tonight. It’s my absolute inability to play it cool and have guys stick around. Welcome. Have a seat, grab a drink, you’ll need it.

Skipping all the initial insanity of creating a profile and deciding which apps are worth paying for (don’t worry, I’ll go into that eventually), let’s dive right into having met 2 guys in person so far and only sort of speaking to 1 of them, already. I’ve only been on these apps for 3 months, you guys…. If I had written this post a few days ago I would have said not speaking to either of the guys but guy #1 popped back into my sexts, I mean texts, so that’s why his chapter can’t be written yet. And this isn’t even going to be about guy #2, he deserves a whole chapter and I’m not ready to tackle that mindfuck just yet!

This is about that sweet spot that might not even exist: How to sell yourself while still being yourself.

You might think you are someone that has their shit together. Knows what they want, what they don’t want, is full of self-esteem and bad ass bitch-ness. Well, let me introduce you to your undoing, online dating. There is no faster way to make you second guess everything you think you know about yourself than swiping left and right on pictures of people (who might not even be those people in real life).

If you’ve met me (lucky you), you know that I’m not good at….what’s the word….being CHILL. No matter how long I try, my “too much” will seep through eventually. I will get too excited, too honest, too opinionated, too joke-y, too sarcastic, too strong, too horny (not sorry).

You might think this is a good thing. “Be yourself, Sarah!” you might cheer from your comfortable married bubble (Yes, I’m jealous). Sure, BUT….in a world where you have only seconds, maybe a minute if you’re lucky, to sell yourself to a potential match you have to walk this very tricky and fine line of standing out from the crowd while also not trying too hard. Approachable but not over eager, pleasing to the eye but not begging for attention, mysterious but not like Norman Bates mysterious.

So, cut to me being very up front about sucking at small talk (which apparently translates to most guys as “oh, she just wants to see a dick pic” ???). Or me saying what I’m really looking for, something casual (“oh, she’s DTF” ???). Or me complimenting you (“oh, she wants to see a dick pic, immediately” ???).

Yes, I have learned to watch the words I use, I learned that right quick y’all! I no longer say casual, I say I’m looking for something between Friends with Benefits and introducing you to my kids. Because that’s the truth, I am wanting to meet someone but I’m also really struggling on how they would fit into my aggressively single and comfortable life. But this whole topic is yet another chapter that I’ll get into later, including how many guys think that plus size girls are desperate... There has been lots of on the job learning and editing of my bio these past 3 months!!!

Back to if, and HOW, I should censor myself when connecting with matches. (one second, no lie, just got a message on one of the apps…. I’m back. And I quote “Hi there! Delicious curves. Seriously hot” ….yeah, I know, show me you read my bio first. Anyhoo!!) What was I saying? Right, to be me or to not be me.

Ok, first, I do need to mention guy #2 a little bit because he is a lot of what made me start questioning all of this. If there is a guy that I feel no real physical or mental attraction to I can BS back and forth for a bit and see what’s there before moving on without a thought. But with guy #2 there was an immediate mental connection (his chat game was strong) and pretty decent physical attraction (I’m a sucker for a non-surface level compliment….and using my name in a chat… gah…) so it was hot and heavy pretty fast (two words that describe me emotionally AND physically!). And that’s when Sarah can’t be chill. It was about 3 weeks of the real me, and he seemed totally cool with that. Didn’t mind that I have opinions, thought I was funny, was ok with me swearing like an angry sailor, had killer compliments that totally worked on me, quite a lot in common (our first stadium concert was the same band and same tour year just on opposite ends of the world).

All of that is an invitation to just be myself, right?! After spending so much of my life not doing that, it’s been a real conscious effort on my part in my 40’s to not be what I think other people want me to be. But I understand I’m a lot. I tell people that from the get-go. And I’m like that with anyone I like, it’s not just because I’m attracted to you. I’m like that with my friends, my family, anyone I care about. I think initially guys love the confidence, but pretty quickly they realize they don’t know how to handle me. (pro-tip: women don’t want to be handled, we just want you to enjoy being around us, we can handle ourselves, thanks).

All my too-much-ness also comes with a heart that is too big. I know who I am and what I want, that doesn’t mean that someone doing a 180 on me doesn’t hurt and isn’t confusing (yes, I know, this speaks more to their baggage than mine, but still…). If I had played it more chill, more coy, was less obvious about what I was thinking or feeling, would it have been different? Should I try that next time?

Guys, I know the answer to that is no. But I think I might only have one or two, (five tops), more times of opening up and feeling like I genuinely connected to someone before getting the ‘ol brush off in me. Do I genuinely think it’s better to live, and maybe one day love, with an ALL-IN mentality? Yes. Do I think it’s going to cause me to have some pretty dark days in the future because 90% of the dating pool will either take advantage of that or run from it? Yes.

At the beginning of this whole debacle, I mean, adventure… I told myself that I would be myself no matter what. That I open my heart/arms/mind (occasionally legs…) to any new match that I felt I had physical and mental chemistry with. I defiantly said that there was no other way to do this. But now I’m wondering if that was just plain dumb. Which is a more daring, more revolutionary, way to go through life? Is it to keep being open all while knowing my emotions will be bruised or is it really more radical nowadays to play things closer to the chest? I realize now more than ever that my emotions aren’t endlessly rechargeable. That maybe I don’t have as much “bounce back” in me as I thought I did.

But how do I stop getting excited when I feel a spark? How do I not share personal stories to connect on a deeper level? How do I not get geeked when talking about meeting up in person? How do I not get butterflies when they match my boldness? How do I not have SO much fun flirting?

Maybe I’m just an absolute sucker and all these connections aren’t remotely real moments but just amazingly good lies from men that have been on these apps a lot longer than I have and know exactly what to say to get what they want. It’s Love Bombing at it’s finest and I will fall for it every single time. When all my (one) relationships consisted of very few compliments and almost no PDA, having someone love bomb me with insanely nice compliments that I have literally never heard in my life, HOW DO I NOT FALL FOR THAT!?!

I can understand how some of my single friends have become so jaded with these dating apps. I used to roll my eyes when I read bios that said stuff like “please just be real/not insane/honest/don’t waste my time”, but now I get it! But I don’t want to be like that. I’m not ready to change my bio to something passive aggressive about all the people on these apps being fake or a waste of my time. I spent 8 years denying the part of my heart that still really and truly believes in love. How can I have the guts to get on these apps and meet COMPLETE strangers (don’t worry, so far all have promised to not murder me) and then dial back who I am just because it hurts when they don’t like me?

For now, I think I’d rather keep risking getting hurt and staying open. No risk, no reward, right??