Date Shmate!

October 1, 2014

I’ve never really done the dating thing. Being with someone from age 18 to 35 really cuts out the need for meeting potential mates and first dates and boring small talk. I used to say when I was married that I was so happy I wouldn’t have to ever do the “dating” thing again….OOPS!

I am nowhere near ready or willing to date. I have so much work to do on myself, inside and out (mostly out) before I can even entertain something like that. But I am a relationship-y person. I like having someone to be around, I like conversation and touch and comfort. So of course my brain has already moved towards maybe, one day, possibly, who knows, hopefully, sometime in the future having that again.

Lately I’ve realized a problem of a long relationship is habits are formed that might be ok in marriage but that will pretty much kill all my dating possibilities. Some of these habits are cute when you are a couple for years and years (or maybe they aren’t and that’s why my marriage is over….huh….).

Here are some things that I’ve realized will make any future relationships possibilities…impossible.

  • Running to the bathroom yelling “LACTOSE INTOLERAAAAAAAANCE!!!” (A lot of my randomness comes from movies or tv but I don’t use nearly enough popular quotes. So I just look crazy. Points if you know the movie reference to this one).

  • Forgetting I put makeup on (for once), rubbing my face and eyes and then yelling “Oh shit! I forgot I was trying to be a girl today!” (some things should be yelled internally only)

  • Following a burp (or quite honestly a fart too) I will look at the closest person and say “Yeah, I burped, jealous??” (double points if you know the tv reference)

  • Because I’m sure I snore. Super sexy right?

  • Because last night I woke myself up because I was spitting, very angrily on my pillow. You guys. I woke up SPITTING ON MY PILLOW! Not only is that incredibly unattractive (and crazy!), imagine if instead of my pillow it was a new boyfriend, now imagine if he would ever want to see me again?!?

  • The fact that I will randomly sing my responses when asked questions. I can blame this on being a mom and having to find fun new ways to get my kids attention but really I don’t know if that’s it. I just sing stuff sometimes.

  • The fact that I will randomly start singing Backyardigans songs because oh, did I mention? I’m a freaking single mom so not only will I be finding someone to date me they will be dating my kids (I really really hate when people say it like that) but you know what I mean. Imagine how hard it is as a single girl to find love, and double it by 2 insane little boys.

  • Because I really suck at being a girl. And I’m a mom of boys, so there’s no immediate daily need to demonstrate my womanly ways (ha!). When I dress up for a wedding or god forbid a date, I look just like when I was a kid and raided my mom's closet to play dress up. Clothes don’t fit (although nowadays the problem isn’t them being too big), I put on too many accessories and my make up looks like a person with Parkinson’s applied it in the dark.

  • I am the worst at flirting. When it’s happening I don’t realize it and when I’m apparently doing it I don’t know. I think I’m making a great new friend and they think I’m playing hard to get (case in point when I met my ex and I had no clue he liked me until he had to almost scream the actual words at me). My uncontrollable response to a compliment like “You look really pretty” is “No YOU look really pretty!” and then probably punching them in the arm.

  • Saying things like “I think I just peed a little bit” after I sneeze, or cough, or laugh, or stand up.

  • My sarcasm. Just trust me. Unless my next relationship is with Chandler Bing I’m screwed.

  • The insane amount of baggage I will bring along with me, for the rest of my life. I’m a single mom. The two most important men in my life right now are my sons. Good luck fitting a new love somewhere in my heart. I mean, sure, my heart is huge but that’s mostly because I’m very fat.

  • And being a single mom is freaking exhausting. How the hell do single moms find time for a new relationship when my days are jam packed with kid stuff, house stuff, work stuff, emotional stuff? And at night my best friends are my DVR and the ice cream that’s been hiding at the back of the freezer?

Suffice it to say I am not ready for another relationship. But a girl can dream (and then spit on her pillow)!