Driving in Cars With Kids — Raising Danger

September 14, 2014

About half the week I have 4 kids. They weren’t all birthed from me, but they are in my possession (I believe God gives you the amount of kids you can handle and he knew to stop after 2). I’m tasked with loving them and keeping them alive. Being that the extra kids are related by blood it’s not that hard to do.

As with any amount of kids, some days are longer than others. If you are wondering what a car ride with 4 kids is like, wonder no more:

First, get all kids into the car. Seems simple right? Oh heavens no. For safety’s sake have them all enter through the same door. Realize that every single time it will be a fight for who gets into the car first. No matter what you say, and what makes sense, it’s the end of the world if you are the last kid to get in. Like, the end. Of the world.
Once in, the buckling bonanza starts. If you are lucky you have an 8 year old that can help out a lot, although mine is easily distracted. Next week I’m testing for my black belt in wrangling hyper kids into car seats. It’s an art.
Once everyone is buckled the game of “Let’s ask the exhausted adult 10 billion questions in a mumbled whisper” begins. Feel your headache intensifying.
That game will lead to you turning up the music to drown them out….I mean to get them distracted with a fun song they can sing along to.
After they lose interest 30 seconds later, start playing “Who Can Be Quiet The Longest”, relish the full 60 seconds of silence you get during this game.
If you’re lucky, after that, one of them will do something so funny that everyone breaks out in laughter. Sweet, joyous laughter of children.
Which will always be followed by a scream and you having to remind them all that pulling hair is not allowed and kicking isn’t either (for being strapped down to within an inch of their lives it’s amazing how much reach they have)
Decide to distract them all with dinner from the nearest fast food joint. Try to correctly order all the food via drive-thru while all 4 kids break the “no talking for 2 minutes! please!” rule.
Try to start a conversation with the drive-thru attendant because, an adult! Get a weird look from her and awkwardly thank her for the food and drive away.
Sit at a red light and rub your eyes with both hands then realize you just changed a poopy diaper before leaving the house and totally forgot to wash your hands. Come to terms with the fact that you will most likely wake up with double pink eye in the morning.
Forget you turned the music up and only realize what song is playing when your oldest tells the other kids to be quiet because he wants to hear the song. Snap out of it and realize it’s Rage Against the Machine and he wants to hear the “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” part….
Spend the next few minutes explaining grown up words can only be used by grown ups and decide maybe the rest of the ride can be sans music. Listen to 4 kids singing 4 different songs at once and decide you’ll chance your music anyway.
Arrive at your destination and sit motionless in your car staring straight ahead until one of the kids asks if we are ever going to ever get out of the car ever?!?
With hands full of happy meals try to unbuckle kids from car seats that were clearly made by the devil.
Remind the kids for the zillionth time that whoever gets out of the car first is not the winner. In fact, it’s not a game at all so stop wrestling over the door handle. But if it was a game, Mom got out first so HA! Mom wins!
Realize that wasn’t the best way to handle the situation and demand that all the, now sulking, kids get up off the floor and get out of the car right now please, but if they want to live the rest of their lives inside the car that’s fine because the door is closing in 3…2….

So, the next time you see a woman driving with more than zero kids in her car, give her a hug. If she’s like me a hug from a stranger won’t be creepy at all. It will be just what she needs. But wait until she stops driving. Or you stop driving……Ok, look, I clearly didn’t think this one through. Maybe just send her a quick prayer for a day full of silence. Sweet, sweet silence.