Excuse Me Sir, You Can't Park Your Van On The Diving Board...

June 10, 2014

….This line from Family Guy always pops in my head at the beginning of the summer (google it). And this year was no exception as yet another 9 months have gone by without me losing enough weight to feel even semi decent getting half naked in front of….anyone.

I recently read this blog post by Harmony Hobbs on Scary Mommy and couldn’t agree more. But summers are hard. I’m not just mildly lumpy, I’m not just dealing with a few stretch marks, nor am I the mom that just needs to lose the last few pounds of baby weight. I’m F-A-T, fat. The kind where I need to lose probably half my body weight to be a “normal” skinny human. Yup.

Yesterday we went to the pool for the first of many visits this summer. So, as much as I agree with Harmony’s post I had trouble applying it to myself as I wiggled into my all black, super unflattering one piece, with skirt attached of course. My boys are water babies and as much as I avoid attention to my body, I am too, I’ve always loved swimming. In theory I love being at the pool or beach, picnics in the sun and splashing in the water is a great way to spend a summer day.

Sure we can all convince ourselves that people really don’t pay us as much mind as we think they do…but what if they do? What if the way the one lifeguard twirls her whistle and smacks her gum is code for “Look out other lifeguards, pale fatty mcbutterpants on deck!” Yes, this is stuff that I actually think about. And you can’t prove it’s not happening.

I try to wear my fat well, I try to be confident and unapologetic but the truth is I am just really really good at pretending. Like Meryl Streep good. Most of the time I want to say sorry to the people I’m with that they have to be with me. I’m sorry I’m not a plain 120 pound face in the crowd. I’m sorry that on top of being fat I’m also loud and silly. If there was a contest that involved not drawing attention to yourself I would lose. Loudly.

We have a large Orthodox Jewish community in my town and a lot of them attend the pool. The women swim in long sleeved swim dresses and I admit that I’ve considered pretending to be an Orthodox Jew just so I could show less flesh but then I figured there was probably some major sin involved in me doing that. Or at very least, a major insult.

There is a reason they say you don’t have a second chance at a first impression. Because while I’m standing in a bathing suit with my patchy tan/burn lines, my never-ending cellulite, my “is she or isn’t she pregnant?” belly and my freckle mustache that John Waters would be jealous of….no one can tell that I’m a nice person, or that I’m funny or that I’m a world class reader of bedtime stories. Sure, what people think of you doesn’t really matter, but what they see on the outside is what they will form opinions on. We all do it.

I’m sure Danger has already seen the difference between me and his friends moms. He’s at the age where making fun of people that are different is a popular way to pass time in the cafeteria (we’ve had plenty of talks about how I feel about that. trust.) I know it’s only a matter of time (if it hasn’t happened already) where a friend brings up my weight to him.

So yes, I will keep working on losing weight for my kids, I want them to not only be proud of me but I want them to see how important exercise and eating healthy is as they grow up (but that’s a topic for another day and another blog post).

Bottom line is, I will still be fat this summer, but that won’t stop me from taking my boys to the pool and splashing and playing and laughing with them. I’ll let other people see the fat chick with tan arms and shoulders but pale as a ghost legs (they are always in shadow!) and I will let them think what they may and then maybe if I’m lucky, leave them wondering why I’m fat AND so happy. And it’s because I want my boys to remember these summers as times they had a blast with their mom, and nothing else. While I’m still the most important person in their lives I will make it worth all our while. But one thing I will do differently is next pool day I’ll look at the suit I’m putting on. Yesterday I didn’t notice, until taking it off at home, that the suit I wore all afternoon was so worn and weathered most of the back of the suit was pretty much see-through…for fricks sake…